Adult Worldly Ideas

Typical Males!

2009-05-05T16:18:00.000-07:00

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

Swimmer Trapped by Beach Balls

2009-05-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

I bet he was dreading that call

101 Reasons why Women Prefer Cucumbers to Men

2009-05-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get too excited.
5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket.... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room.... and you won't have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber.... and see the movie.
12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber.... and you can stay in the front seat.
13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.
14. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.... or send you out for Milk Duds.
15. A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.
16. A cucumber won't ask: "Am I the first?".
17. A cucumber doesn't care if you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
19. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
20. With a cucumber you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
22. Cucumbers won't pout if you have a headache.
23. Cucumbers won't care what time of the month it is.
24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.
25. Cucumbers won't give it up for Lent.
26. With a cucumber you never have to say you're sorry.
27. Afterwards, a cucumber won't: ...want to shake hands and be friends.
28. ...say, "I'll call you a cab".
29. ...tell you he's not the marrying kind.
30. ...tell you he is the marrying kind.
31. ...call his ex-wife or therapist.
32. ...take you to confession.
33. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
34. Cucumbers won't make you go to the drugstore.
35. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
37. A cucumber won't work your crossword with ink.
38. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
39. With a cucumber you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. A cucumber won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.
46. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
47. Cucumbers don't have sex hangups.
48. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
49. Cucumbers aren't into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.
50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
53. Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?"
54. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.
55. A cucumber won't want to join your sports group.
56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.
57. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations.
58. Cucumbers won't ask about your Last Lover.... or speculate about your next one.
59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
60. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.
61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
62. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.
63. A cucumber won't give you a hickey.
64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night.... and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
65. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
67. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.
68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
69. Cucumbers don't compare you to a center fold.
70. Cucumbers don't count to 10.
71. Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
72. A cucumber will never leave you ... ...for another woman.
73. ...for another man.
74. ...for another cucumber.
75. A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey", and then come home smelling like another woman.
76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.
77. You always know where a cucumber has been.
78. A cucumber never has to call "the wife".
79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.
80. A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
81. Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
82. You won't find out later that your cucumber ... ...is married.
83. ...is on penicillin.
84. ...likes you - but loves your brother.
85. A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.
87. A cucumber won't ask for a promotion just when you're up for a promotion.
88. Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
89. Cucumbers won't wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.
90. A cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve.
91. A cucumber won't take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.
92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
93. A cucumber doesn't care if you always spent the holidays with your family.
94. A cucumber won't ask to be put through Med School.
95. A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
97. Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
98. A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.
99. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.
101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

Letter To starbucks

2009-05-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

It never hurts to write a letter and explain things to others - does it ?

Insults For Men Everywhere…

2009-04-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it’s never happened)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

9. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma ..’

And they say blondes are dumb…

10. A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’

11. ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

12. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

13. Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN

14. Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

15. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

16. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e- mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

Google Searching

2009-04-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Damn things are looking bad when more people google search masturbation aids than dating tips !!!

What I want In A Man

2009-04-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

What I Want in a Man - Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasions
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children!
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Deep Throat

2009-04-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Not what you were thinking I bet !!

Billy Connelly - 13 Things I Hate About People

2009-04-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is 'new and improved!'
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say "life is short".
What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? Ear’s? Wellington boots?
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.
It has to be a McChicken burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks.
Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

Learn To Tell The Time

2009-04-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

With a clock like this have a feeling no many men will not be able to tell the time !!

The Top 15 Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant

2009-04-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers
women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a
button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and
a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks.
The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

The Top 15 Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant

Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.

Dad: now surfs with two remotes; Mom: never complains.

She never wants to cuddle anymore -— it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."

Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.

Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... er, never mind.

and the Number 1 Side Effect of the New Orgasm Implant...

"Now remember, Ms. Elders -- the left nipple is positive and the right is negative."

Taste Better than ...................

2009-04-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

Better than chocolate ? Bacon ? Beefburgers ? Candy ?

Things you’ll never see in a fortune cookie…

2009-04-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

“Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.”
“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”
“Virgin like balloon…one prick, all gone.”
“Baseball wrong…man with four balls cannot walk!”
“Work to become, not to acquire.”
“Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard.”
“A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
“Find old man in dark, not hard!”
“Man who smoke pot choke on handle.”
“OK for shit to happen…will decompose.”
“Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.”
“Sailor who gets discharged from Navy leave buddies behind.”
“Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”
“Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.”
“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double-crosser.”
“Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
“It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
“Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”
“Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
“Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
“Confucius say too God damn much!”
“Those who quote me are fools.”
“Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
“Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!”
“Man who sit on tack get point!”
“Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!”
“Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!”
“War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”
“Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.”
“Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”
“Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.”
“Man who kisses girl’s behind, gets crack in face.”
“Passionate kiss like spider web…lead to undoing of fly.”
“Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.”
“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.”
“Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
“Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.”
“Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.”

Making Friends

2009-04-12T11:22:00.001-07:00

There are many ways to make friends, over a drink is one of those ways

The Top Ten "He Said, She Said" One Liners

2009-04-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

10	He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9	She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8	He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.
7	He said... "Two inches more, and I would be king." She said..."Two inches less, and you'd be queen."
6	On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."
5	He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4	Priest... "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband." She said..."Who's gonna look?"
3	He said... "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said... "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
2	He said... "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." She said..."Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."
	... and the number one "He Said...She said"...
1	He said... "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?" She said... "I would, but you're never there."

Just One Kiss

2009-04-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

A real Prince Charming

25 Reason Farts are Better than Cigarettes

2009-04-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

You can have a fart in a restaurant.
Farts don't cause cancer.
You can never run out of farts.
The price of a fart won't go up.
There is no tax on farts.
Friends are always willing to share them with you.
Farts are available to minors.
You can fart underwater.
Farts don't leave stains on your fingers or lips.
Farts aren't related to bad breath.
You don't need an ashtray to fart.
Farts won't make you cough.
You can fart on Public Transport.
You can fart in bed without fear of falling asleep and burning the house down.
You don't need to take you hands off the steering wheel to fart.
No body ever tries to bludge a fart of you in the pub.
Farts don't have Government Health warnings on them.
Farts have no affect on unborn Babies.
Farts don't have to be lit to be enjoyed.
You don't need a pocket to keep your farts in.
There's no anti-farting laws.
After a fart there is no butt to dispose of.
You can fart while exercising.
You get a variety with each fart.
Careless farters haven't been known to start brush fires.

But there's also the reverse of this list which I could only think of one entry for:

Smokes are easier to light than farts!!

Being Mature

2009-04-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

Being Mature is not all its made out to be

45 Reasons Coffee is Better than Women

2009-04-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

You can always warm coffee up.

Coffee comes with endless refills.

Coffee is cheaper.

You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.

Coffee never runs out.

Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

You can smoke while drinking coffee.

You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

Coffee smells and tastes good.

You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

You can always get fresh coffee.

You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

They sell coffee at police stations.

You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

Coffee goes down easier.

If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

Coffee smells good in the morning.

Coffee is good when it's cold too.

Coffee stains are easier to remove.

Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

Coffee doesn't shed.

Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

Coffee doesn't have a time of the month...it's good all the time.

When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.

Instant Coffee !

You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.

Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.

Paid to Do It

2009-04-09T06:13:00.001-07:00

Moral of this is, if you are paying make sure he is not firing blanks !!

Can't Miss Pick-Up Lines

2009-04-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

Nice legs... What time do they open?

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on Earth tonight.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

So, do you want to see something really swell?

Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"......cause you are the best a man can get!

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

If you were the last woman and I was the last man on Earth, I bet we could do it in public.

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex?
No? Why, don't you like pizza?

(Look down at your crotch) Well. It's not going to suck itself.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Baby, I'm an American Express lover..you shouldn't go home without me.

Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!

Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

[motion for girl to come here with one finger], "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"

Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.

Are those real?

I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.

(offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?

Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.

The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.

The only place I want to go is south of the border.

Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.

What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?

Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?

Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?

Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"

Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?

My shirt's chaffing me.....

Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

They call me Milk, because I do your body good.

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Hey baby, wanna wrestle.

Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

They say the best things in life are free.... they lied (but I do accept American Express)

This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you better use both hands.

You can feel the magic between us......No,lower!

You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.

This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for you....and I know some other positions too.

Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outtame.

Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screwya.

Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.

Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

I want to floss with your pubic hair.

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

I like every muscle in your body, especially mine

[Grab his/her ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

A Word To The Wise

2009-04-08T07:52:00.001-07:00

A word to the wise, what you do today has a habit of burning your ass tomorrow

Chubby Brown quotations

2009-04-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients,
it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She
goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the
s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?'
Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and
pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........
'Burrr gurrr king'.

Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a
problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a
headache'.

Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.

Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous
mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres
a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hel_l she is!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc
say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!

Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!

Easter Bunny

2009-04-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

If the Easter Bunny looks like this I can't wait to see the Tooth Fairy

How to Poop at Work

2009-04-06T11:11:00.001-07:00

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

No Smoking

2009-04-06T10:38:00.001-07:00

Novel way to say No Smoking Please

A Rare Breed

2009-04-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

A very rare breed, not often seen outside without covering

New Slang Dictionary

2009-04-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

1. AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has

a 'black box'.

2. AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

3. BADLY PACKED KEBAB

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female

genitalia.

4. BEAVER LEAVER

A homosexual.

5. BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a

booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

6. BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a

booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where

you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

7. BEER SCOOTER

The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not

remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night,

I must have caught the beer scooter".

8. BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

9. BOILER SUIT

The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus

aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night.  This charge is

usuallybrought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on

Saturday night.

10. BONE OF CONTENTION

A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a

man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

11. BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.  After

breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

12. BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

13. BRUCE LEE

Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

14. BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG

The female erection.

15. BUNNY-BOILER

An unhinged and overly possessive woman.  From the rabbit boiling scene

in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that

aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler."

16. DOUBLE BASS

A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and

then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's

Tongue with the other.  The position is similar to that used when

playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly

different.

17. DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM).  Named so because it is

common to visit one before going out on the booze.

18. ETCH-A-SKETCH

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her

nipples simultaneously.

19. FLOGGING ON

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

20. FREE THE TADPOLES

Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

21. FRIGMAROLE

Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

22. FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a

speed.

23. GOING FOR A McSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,

you're just going to the bog.  If challenged by a pimply staff

member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food

afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

24. GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

25. HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT

A vigorous masturbation session.

26. JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who

works in a burger restaurant.  The 'no-stars' comes from the badges

displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show

their level of training.

27. MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from

the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

28. MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!

Aa!Aa! Aa!"

29. MUMBLER

An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the

'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

30. MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the

toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive

people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

31. MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in

your bed instead.

32. NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)

Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.  The opposite of a

10-Pinter.

33. NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

34. ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE

The need to defecate imminently.

35. PEARL HARBOUR

Cold (weather).  An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour

out there!"  Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

36. PICASSO ARSE

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's

got 4 buttocks.

37. RAGMAN'S COAT

Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I

bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"

38. RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE

To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just

nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

39. SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

40. SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB

41. SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM

A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

42. STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT

A homosexual.

43. SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

44. TART FUEL or BITCH PISS

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

45. TEN-PINTER

Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

46. TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

47. TODGER DODGER

A lesbian.

48. TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER

Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their

head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

49. UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I

don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks"

50. VAGINA DECLINER

A homosexual.

51. WALLACE AND GROMIT

Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

52. WANK SEANCE

During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being

watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

53. WYNONA RYDER

Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a

bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".

54. X-PILES

Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Star Wars One Liners

2009-04-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

More than a few sexually suggestive lines from the Star Wars trilogy...

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

Kevins Day

2009-04-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

Seems kevin is a naughty boy, downloading corn all day

A Guide to Love and Sex for Virgins

2009-04-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

As a young, modern virgin of the nineties, you no doubt have many
questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and
frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains
everything you've ever wondered about.

Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act
and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give
you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's
right, go to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and
lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a
man that looks interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow
"pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I
recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly
reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers,
then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there.

Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you
try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.

Q: Do men like aggresive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's
up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach
men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice
with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks -
even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.

Q: What if a man's married ?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable
experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort
of commitment.

Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe
him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll
soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important
matters.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since
they're not confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol
and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left
out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making
him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone
to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you
lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the orgasm ?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure ?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust experienced
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by
going out and buying him an expensive gift.

Caution When Entering

2009-04-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

Caution when entering

MARRIAGE ONE-LINER JOKES

2009-04-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying"

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Whats in a Name ?

2009-04-02T15:01:00.001-07:00

Well at least it won't send you to sleep !!!

Beer vs. Pussy

2009-04-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

Plug Himself in

2009-04-01T08:09:00.001-07:00

He needs to pulg himself in....... love these bad taste bears

Top Reasons Bicycles are Better than Women

2009-03-31T06:18:00.000-07:00

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it
to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Because You Just Don't Care Enough

2009-03-31T06:15:00.000-07:00

The coffee mug for the times you just don't care enough

Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed

2009-03-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

10. He can open your blouse by himself.

9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.

8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.

7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.

6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.

5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.

4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.

3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.

2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."

1. Beard abrasions on areola.

Devices in the Home

2009-03-30T15:22:00.001-07:00

Looks like women all over the world will not be using the vaccum for cleaning anymore

Signs your Grand Parents are still Sexually Active

2009-03-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

Shaving Baby

2009-03-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

This is so wrong, but wonder if it comes with regrowable hair ?

Top 13 Things PMS Stands For

2009-03-28T17:12:00.000-07:00

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make Me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Builders Butt Tattoo

2009-03-28T16:51:00.000-07:00

A real 'builders butt' tattoo

The 25 Sexiest Things Ever Said by Women

2009-03-27T13:19:00.001-07:00

1. “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.” —Eve, Genesis 3:13

2. “To err is human—but it feels divine.” —Mae West

3. “We’re so damn conservative all day that when you finally get us in the bedroom, we’re absolute animals.” —Shannen Doherty, on being Republican

4. “Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I’m married, I also get good jewelry out of it.” —Heather Locklear

5. “All I can say is if they show my butt in a movie, it better be a wide shot.” —Jennifer Lopez

6. “I don’t think I have to introduce myself, unless you don’t recognize me with my clothes on.” —Madonna

7. “If you want to turn on your boyfriend, get naked and strap on an accordion.” —Sheryl Crow

8. “It says, ‘Pamela.’ And when he gets excited, it says, ‘I love Pamela very, very much. She’s a wonderful wife, and I enjoy her company to the 10th degree!’ ” —Pamela Anderson, on the tattoo on Tommy Lee’s penis

9. “Most virtue is a demand for greater seduction.” —Natalie Clifford Barney

10. “Only the united beat of sex and heart can create ecstasy.” —Anais Nin

11. “It’s pitch, sex is. Once you touch it, it clings to you.” —Margery Allingham

12. “As a stripper, I was getting a taste of what it would be like to be a woman in a society that honors the animal vitality in us all, instead of despising it.” —Seph Weene

13. “It was like experiencing a nuclear explosion in a very small place.” —Loni Anderson, describing sex with WKRP in Cincinnati costar Gary Sandy

14. “I get such a rush going to the store, standing in front of the condom counter and going through them. I love the gold-coin ones. Every time I undo one, it reminds me of the chocolate candies from my childhood.” —Sandra Bullock

15. “I don’t think being obsessed with sex is any stranger than being obsessed with stamp collecting.” —Annie Sprinkle

16. “I’m very old-fashioned. Occasionally I do wear underwear.” —Sharon Stone

17. “Men ought to become more conscious of their bodies as objects of delight.” —Germaine Greer

18. “A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.” —Ingrid Bergman

19. “You wanna know what my tongue feels like?” —Janet Jackson

20. “You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.” —Erica Jong

21. “Don’t! Ever! Stop! F—ing! Me!” —Kelly Preston, in Jerry Maguire

22. “Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you in a theater?” —Alanis Morissette

23. “I’m not a prostitute, but I could give you what you want.” —Missy Elliott

24. “When she raises her eyelids, it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.” —Colette

25. “I like to wake up feeling a new man.” —Jean Harlow

Hidden Remote

2009-03-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

A new twist on Hide the Remote, like this version better

The Bear Necessities

2009-03-26T13:22:00.001-07:00

Even bears have a few itches they cannot scratch themselves

The ABC's of Ex Wives

2009-03-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.

B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.

C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.

D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.

E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.

F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing
the flowers to wilt.

G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.

H is for House ... which the bitch also got.

I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.

J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.

K is for Kids ... the best of everything.

L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.

M is for Mother ... and Oh what a "Mother"!!!!!!

N is for Not tonight, I have a headache. Won't hear THAT again!

O is for Overdrawn.. what your checking account always was.

P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water."
...what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."

Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.

R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.

S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.

T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.

U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.

V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.

W is for Wrong ... which you always were.

X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!

Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.

Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium

The G Spot

2009-03-25T17:05:00.001-07:00

The G Spot, its hard to find but you know when you have

List of summer camps you may NOT want to send your kids to

2009-03-25T16:16:00.000-07:00

Tommy Lee's...............Camp Kikkachik

Monica Lewinsky's.........Camp Sukkaweewee

President Clinton's.......Camp Getahoochee

Ellen DeGeneres's.........Camp Likkahoochee

Kenneth Star's............Camp Katchacrook

O.J. Simpson's............Camp Killachic

Lorena Bobbit's...........Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's...........Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's..............Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's.........Camp Wannabewytee

Louis Farakahn's..........Camp Killawytee

Love - Lust - Marriage

2009-03-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.

Dating A Magician

2009-03-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dating a magician, you never know what he will cum up with

Nasty Prick

2009-03-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Now that does look like it could give you a nasty prick !

101 Things Not to Say During Sex

2009-03-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today

(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people..

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you cum yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic, don't you?

Q: You can cook, too right?
A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Sex humor

2009-03-22T04:58:00.000-07:00

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come! you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
dejected. "Well, what! have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

Reproducing Fruit ?

2009-03-22T04:56:00.001-07:00

Reproducing Fruit ? Or are they describing how fresh it is ??

Something to offend everyone

2009-03-20T11:59:00.000-07:00

1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pr*cks on the outside.

2. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.

3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.

4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and b*tch.

6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

7. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

8. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

9. Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

14. What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

15. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde because she's 18!!

17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.

18. How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.

23. Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

25. What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"

26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.

28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.

29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.

37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

Morning Wood

2009-03-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Is this what is meant by Morning Wood ?

Cyber Lovers Tits

2009-03-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

FOR ALL YOU CYBER LOVERS OUT THERE, HOW TO TYPE TITS

Perfect breasts
(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts
( + )( + )

Perky breasts
(*)(*)

Big nipple breasts
(@)(@)

A cups
o o

D cups
{ O }{ O }

Wonder bra breasts
(oYo)

Cold breasts
( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts
(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts
(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts
(p)(p)

Against The Shower Door Breasts
( )( )

Android Breasts
| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts
($)($)

Sex is More than Pleasure

2009-03-19T15:12:00.001-07:00

Sex is more than pleasure,